You know, SO much has happened to me in the last 6 months, and today I realised that I have truly grown up and moved on from pettier things of the past due to these ‘serious’ incidents.

Like, this morning I visited the Doc for a follow-up, and he decided I should have a blood test just to check my Vitamin D levels. Just in case. It didn’t cost me anything extra funnily enough. But he said it was just a precaution. Cuz if my Vitamin D levels were low he’d then wanna do a bone density test. I informed him that with all my exercise and healthy eating habits of the past, I was sure my bones were fine. He seemed to think they’d be fine, too, but at the same time I do appreciate his conservatism compared to the loser at the ER when I first went in nearly 3 months ago after hurting my back. Anyway, enough about Dr Trevor Feirnbough (or whatever his name is – I have it saved somewhere so I can complain about him to the hospital).

Back to the main point. The blood test. See, I’ve had blood tests in the past. Quite a few. I HATE THEM. I am bloody scared of needles and I hate seeing my own blood in the syringe, and oozing out of the hole in my skin. Funnily enough, I’m fine whenever I have my period and I can watch disgusting, gory movies without batting an eyelid. Anyway.

Once, when I was 18 or 19, I had to have blood taken because I had a fever and the doctor at the ER (in KL) suspected it could be dengue (it wasn’t). Anyways, that time, he couldn’t get the vein in the pit of my elbow so he had to take blood from the veins in the back of my hand. OH GOD DAMN I hated that! The best part is, it was late at night, the doctor looked sleepy, and when he was sucking the blood out of my vein with the needle, he actually stopped, went “Oh, took too much” and proceeded to INJECT SOME OF MY BLOOD BACK INTO MY VEINS. WTF?? Needless to say, on top of feeling sickly from the fever, I also felt nauseous and nearly blacked out from that experience. EWW.

I have had blood tests for student visas, when Ryan and I were applying for the defacto spouse visa thingy, and once more I can’t really remember what for. I was sick and my mum had taken me to the hospital, is all I can remember. Anyways, every time I had blood samples taken (and luckily, the rest of the time the doctor(s) could find the damn vein and just take blood from my arm rather than my hand), I have felt faint, nauseous, and just… generally had a really grim experience with it. Once, I was so nervous about having my blood taken the doctor had me lie down and look away and he gently told me what he was doing – but he was kinda lying, because I could feel the needle pricking my arm and the blood being sucked out, but what he was narrating was like “Ok, not yet, just getting the needle ready…” and when he was done he was like “All done! see, that was fast!” Basically he treated me like a retarded little kid (which I was acting like anyway so… yeah).

Another time, at Tung Shin hospital in KL (ancient, possibly haunted but clean and also professional), I had to take the blood sample up to the lab myself! I was feeling pretty okay about the blood test at first, but when I had to look at and hold the damn vial with my dark blood swirling around inside it, I felt sick and vomit-y. The stars were twinkling at the edges of my vision. I could feel the blackness zooming in. But I fought it as best I could (i must’ve looked like a freak stumbling around looking slightly confused and disoriented while I waited for my vision to adjust and get back to normal).

But this morning, although I anticipated the worst and warned the nurse just how scared I was of blood tests… during and afterwards, even when I saw the three vials she’d filled with my blood… I didn’t feel anything. All I could think of was, so it’s a little blood, so what?? Big deal! What is some blood compared to the rest of the shit I’ve been through, and am going through?

Nothing like perspective to make an irrational fear just that… irrational.

Still… I’d prefer it if blood tests were my biggest fear right now instead of the possibility of winding up a cripple.